Conversations with my Daughter, #42

Me: "So, is what's-his-name still just a friend or does he have boyfriend status now?"

PHD: "You're really not very observant, are you?"

Clue-phone for Matt, Line 1

Modern plumbing is a work of absolute fascination. It's incredible how things are standardized so that every house or building one walks into should work exactly the same as any other. For instance, everyplace you go the hot water tap for sinks and showers should be on the left and conversely, the cold is on the right. When we lived in Omaha I completely replumbed our old house (built in 1889) and I'd like to claim some intimate familiarity with the workings of residential fresh water delivery systems.

My children take no end of joy in switching the H and C caps on the taps for our bathroom sink.

They get me every time.

My cup runneth over

The nakedharpist and I were talking about moods, specifically optimism and pessimism.

I told her that I am mostly a "cup is half empty" kind of guy but I could clearly see that her cups were half full.

She slapped me.

Conversations with Evilwife, #42

E: "What do you want for your birthday, dorkbutt?"

Me: "I don't really need anything."

E: "You gotta celebrate. At the very least, you're another year older."

Me: "Hah! But I'm still younger than you!"


Somebody get that woman a Midol.

How About A Beer?

I renewed my driver's license at the Secretary of State's office first thing this morning. While I was standing in line to pay and have my picture taken I noticed a new sign up on the wall. It said,

"Anybody attempting to bribe a driving examiner will receive an automatic 120 day suspension."

I asked the lady taking pictures if I would get in trouble for bribing her to make me look good in my photo.

She answered, "Honey, that's what the alcohol is for."

Worst Picture Ever

http://www.news-gazette.com/news/local/2008/04/14/interpreter_helps_keep_area_cases_on

Attack of The Killer Dick-Tatoes

Yesterday I was wandering through some surrounding small towns looking for a certain subject. I didn't have a current address for him and the Post Office didn't have any forwarding address. The lady at his previous residence said he hadn't lived there for a couple years.

With no further leads I figured the local PD might have an idea, considering his lengthy criminal record. He'd at least be known to them.

I pulled up next to a squad car with a couple officers inside and flashed my badge.

"Hey guys, I'm a private dick and I'm looking for so-and-so. Y'all got any ideas where I might be able to find him?"

"Oh sure, we know him! But yeah, he moved away a couple years ago. He and his old lady split up. She's seen at least a dozen guys since then. I can give you her address if you need it."

"Thanks. But I have to find him personally. It sounds like she'd probably be pretty busy anyway."

"Ha! Ha! They both were. He was convicted of bigamy so they split up."

"Bigamy huh? Well, I guess at least it wasn't sister-boinking."

The other cop just looked at me and said, "Man, that's not funny."

I guess I hit a nerve.

From The Mouths of Babes

The emo daughter is ill and staying home from school today. After I got home from court in the morning we took this valuable opportunity for one of those rare father-daughter heart-to-heart talks.

ED: "Dad, you never answered my question about why you need a college degree to teach little kids how to throw a big red ball at a fat guy."

Me: ???

My Last Political Post Ever

I used to be in the US Air Force. I served a period of that in Panama as an aircrewmember flying aboard C130H aircraft modified with the "Senior Scout" package. I am very proud of that service.

Due to the nature of flying, trapped gases in the body expand at decreasing atmospheric pressure. These must be released in order to prevent serious physical discomfort. Flying is stinky business.

It was considered good form among our little band to alert your fellow aircrew when this happened. This alert consisted of an "opnote" sent to all the other crew positions with one word that told them something nasty was befouling the air.

That word was "Hillary".

To be fair and balanced, there were those who thought this practice was uncouth. They said it cruelly mischaracterized farts.

"Ohmigod! There's Two of Them!"

evilwife, the Bug and I had a nice lunch with my imaginary friend at a pizza joint on the near north side Saturday. Afterwards, I asked the Bug if he liked meeting my imaginary friend.

"No."

"No? Why not?"

"Because, Dad, you're already married."

"???"